Hello, blog readers! I’m sort of back, maybe! I need a creative outlet of some kind, I think, and I’m downright terrible at following through on my desires to create. So maybe this will serve as an outlet of sorts for the time being? After all, it’s been a while since I’ve written about my craziness.
Today’s craziness came in the form of driving to Seattle and back, all before 2pm, in order to resolve sudden passport issues that had arisen just two weeks before my first trip to Europe. In related news, I got my benzodiazepine prescription refilled today, too. Here’s hoping I figure out a way to calm my intense anxiety over the next month so that my European adventure will be a fun one!
In the past month and a half of freedom, I’ve slowly been going through piles and bags and boxes of stuff that’s been sitting around fairly undisturbed for the past couple of years. It’s been a strange process. What draws me to some stuff on some days, while some other stuff remains untouched through intentional (and sometimes subconscious) avoidance? I’m discovering that a lot of the stuff with which I surround myself is emotionally charged to some degree, and I’m not always ready to part with things, so I reshuffle. Little by little I try to piece together the meaning of this stuff, why I choose to hold on to some things while others quickly get tossed into the “donation bag” or recyclables or trash. And then some days, like today, I discover all sorts of little treasures: the MP3 player full of the B-52s and other danceable ’80s music that’s been MIA since my days in the chem lab in grad school, the cheap (but good) laser pointer I bought for my cat (but couldn’t get to work when I bought it because I stupidly put the batteries in backward), the bottle of perfume from undergrad that sends me back 10+ years to much more hopeful, naïve days.
A lot of this parallels what I’ve been struggling with psychologically over the past few years, as I try to weed through the confusing clutter of memories lost and found, beliefs I’m not yet ready to part with, emotions that some days overwhelm me and other days I avoid. What do all these things swimming around in my brain mean? Which things can I get rid of or reshuffle so that I can move on? What surprising things will I learn about myself as things shift and I free myself from the burden of hauling so much stuff around?
It’s no April Fools joke: today is my last day at my toxic job! I hadn’t realized it coincided with the 2-1/2 year anniversary of my arrival in Oregon…coincidence? Perhaps I’m now on a 2-1/2 year cycle of needing to reset and take a leap of faith… Either way, happy day of liberation!
I would be lying if I said that the past few months (years?) haven’t been particularly challenging. Lately I’ve been trying to cope by venting, using denial, and just plain checking out. None of this changes the fact that life has been hard, and I have been struggling big time. So the most recent never-ending, crazy-making blowout at work has to be the big neon sign I always request of the universe when something needs to change. The life I’ve been living these past couple of years has had its bright spots, but overall, what misery! I can’t keep going down this path. The funny thing is how my mind is stuck in this tired way of thinking that I need to fit into some box that’s been set out for me, and if I can’t fit into this box, no matter how hard I try, I am a huge failure. In the last few weeks, I’ve had little glimmers of insight, remembering what used to bring me joy without fail, and remembering the leap of faith I took in 2011 when I moved cross-country to a place where I didn’t know anyone and didn’t have a job lined up. (Yep, corporate America will in fact kill your spirit if you let it!) So what I’m asking of the universe right now is positive energy (as much as possible) and strength to stay the course as I leave my job amid this firestorm, reorient myself toward what fills my life with happiness, and embark on my next mysterious adventure. Onward!
Did you know that when you have a dissociative disorder, trying to be more aware of your dissociative episodes and triggers will make you feel like you’re losing your mind? (Well, more so than usual.)
I had one of my least favorite kinds of therapy sessions this afternoon: one where my head feels packed with cotton and I can’t seem to speak. There were so many things we could’ve talked about, and so many things that had popped into my head since we’d last met, but I couldn’t remember any of them, and I was a tense ball of…tension. Aargh. New Therapist assured me that this isn’t all that unusual for dissociaters only on their tenth (!) visit. She then proceeded to tell me about the hot and humid Big Ten football game and state fair she went to over the weekend back in the Midwest plains, which made me miss Ohio a little bit. Then she told me about the thunderstorms that followed them as they drove one night – we’ve expressed mutual appreciation of Midwest thunderstorms and how much we miss them – and even though we had a fair amount of thunder and lightning in Portland the other night (finally), I found myself missing real thunderstorms so much. Oh, the jealousy! With all the trips I’ve had to take to the Midwest in the past year, I’ve missed out on a beautiful thunder and lightning show every time. Next week I’m back in Michigan. Can I place a special order for nighttime thunderstorms just this once? Please? Sigh.
Anyway, I don’t see New Therapist for another month, because like earlier this summer, we can’t seem to get our travel plans to overlap. And I’m not supposed to do any “homework” in the meantime, which means four agonizing weeks of dissociating like a champ and feeling miserable. (Maybe it won’t be that bad.) (But if it’s anything like this past month…it could be bad.) (Gah.)
You know it’s time for a new job when you know you’ll be taking a wet wipe bath at lunchtime. Gah.
It was a humid morning to be standing next to a furnace running at over 1500°F. I knew ahead of time what my morning duties would be, so I packed wet wipes, a hairbrush, and a change of clothes, and went to work in a Casual Friday eligible outfit. I accidentally melted part of my steeltoed boot’s sole. It’s a testament to those boots that I didn’t realize I had my foot up against 1500+°F metal.
Anyway, without getting into details, work is getting miserable again. I’m hoping that non-work stuff settles down enough now so that I can focus some time and energy on finding a happier place to spend 40 hours each week.