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Worn down

December 9, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

Guys, I’m tired.

I realize this is nothing new, and really? A lot of people do so much more on much less sleep. But it doesn’t change the fact that for me, this is too much.

The last time I had to work 30+ days in a row was in the autumn of 2010. I was living in the lab, busting my butt to produce the results that my boss wanted, and in enough time to put together a technical talk for a national conference. I was also taking a full courseload and TAing a class that was sucking up over 10 hours a week. I had no time to run or socialize or do fun stuff, and I wasn’t eating. I couldn’t eat. Nothing sounded good, and just the smell of food would cause me to double over, wretching until tears poured down my cheeks.

I lost about twelve pounds that month.

I was a mess.

I remember talking with my counselor at the time – he was only a few sessions into his internship and charmingly/annoyingly naive, and I was so far away from trusting him enough to talk about the stuff that had happened that I hadn’t told anybody yet, the stuff that completely changed my view of the world and threatened to extinguish my once-vibrant optimism. My counselor informed me that my life was totally unbalanced and that I needed to take a bit of time to do something nice for myself each day. Little did he know that I was of the firm belief that I didn’t deserve kindness, especially not from myself. How selfish could I be, entertaining the idea of wasting my precious energy on myself, when I could be doing something for someone else? (And how obnoxious was my rationale?)

Fast forward to our final session in June, where I was so angry with him, but unable to express it. He said to me, “Promise me one thing: Please, be kind to yourself.” And I was sitting there, thinking, F-yooooou! I really don’t know who all that sentiment was directed at, but it had been a recurring feeling this year, just being really pissed off about so much.

So here I am, thousands of miles away from most of those intense emotions that I still have trouble handling with grace. The idea of returning to the situations that have caused me so much anguish makes me nervous.

Just two more weeks…

* * * * *

In other news, here is a picture of the sunset over the coastal range, from my drive home yesterday:

20111209-194224.jpg

I feel very lucky to have such a beautiful commute!

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  1. December 12, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    awwh, sending hugs. i’m soooooo sorry to hear coming back to ohio could potentially open up so many intense bad feelings. that isn’t what “home for the holidays” is all about. *tear*. i obviously have no idea what “the stuff” that happened to you is [imagination running wild with possibilities and hoping it isn’t horrible horrible but realizing it must be pretty horrible none-the-less]. all i can do is send my love and prayers that your homecoming is better than you expected it to be. if you need to escape, you can come here and squeeze Blaine. he takes troubles away. [on the good days. today wasn’t a good day. in fact i need to escape today.] 😉

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