Home > Uncategorized > Getting lost in my mind

Getting lost in my mind

I remember my high school Spanish teacher warning us that for each month we didn’t practice our Spanish, we’d lose about 10% of our language skills. I feel that’s the case with the progress I’d made in therapy before I left for Oregon. At first, I practiced what I’d learned, and in talking with friends around Christmas, I summoned the courage to share some of the things I’d disclosed in therapy. I was half afraid that my experiences would be invalidated (as they have always been with my family), but also afraid that the response would be more along the lines of the folks in my therapy group and a couple of my therapists (that reaction being something to the effect of ‘that’s so wrong’, without the minimization I typically apply to the stories). At any rate, as the months have ticked by and I haven’t been talking about this stuff in detail, not even with my hippie therapist, I find that my former near-fluency in the language of ‘this is not right, I deserved so much better’ is nearly lost. In the past couple of months, I’ve convinced myself that my perception of everything has been wrong for so long, and I must really be the crazy one in the family. I’ve been talking with the folks with some frequency over the last month, and oh hey, they’re still pretending that nothing happened. Not decades ago, not recently, and certainly not when I divulged the traumas to my mom and sister. I hate that I require so much external reassurance that this stuff did happen and that it was wrong. Library books and Google searches will only get you so far. The notes that last-summer-therapist had me take – so that I could reassure myself when necessary – aren’t as effective as we’d hoped they’d be. The words of last-school-year-therapist are simultaneously helpful and unsettling at times: ‘There’s nothing that you could say or do that would make it okay for someone to physically assault you. No one should ever touch you like that.’ This is all well and good until you convince yourself that you did deserve that, that you have always been a frustrating, difficult person, and the only way to get you to behave was through fear and pain. The group therapist encouraged us to stop falling into the comfort of the fantasies we’d created to survive the abuse, but I really, really miss that comfort. And I’d like to continue working through the emotions and events that I’d tried to block out for so long – maybe hippie therapist will help. I’m half-tempted to ask the last-summer-therapist to provide phone or Skype therapy for me, because in the end, he was the most straightforward with me and the one who advocated for me with a passion that scared me. I think I need that kind of intensity for this work.

  1. May 13, 2012 at 5:18 pm

    you should definitely ask him to skype; in this age of technology, no ammount of miles should keep you from the person able to help you the most.

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