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Mess

Last weekend was one of the best I’ve had in a long time! Friends came to visit, we explored the major areas of Oregon (Portland, high desert, coast, gorge, Mount Hood), and between all three of us, we took over a thousand pictures, none of which does justice to the stunning beauty of this state. I found my current happy place in Deschutes Wilderness (I think that’s what it’s called) – the coast is always on standby.

Then, this week happened. Nothing catastrophic, but when you’re mentally, emotionally, and physically beyond exhausted, it gets increasingly difficult to regulate the ol’ emotions. I received some unexpected rage from a manager (not mine) at work, and it triggered the tears I’ve been waiting on for months. Totally reminded me of my grad school advisor. So I hid in my office, trying to stop the tears for two ridiculous hours. My eyelids are now bruised. UGH. Earlier this week I got lectured by yet another counselor about the importance of having balance in one’s life. Yes, I am aware of that, but I have little free time and even less energy. I would love to spend my days doing something that nourishes my spirit, but I need to make a living somehow, and the recommended careers for INFPs don’t really reel in the big bucks…or even medium-sized bucks. I’d love to be doing something about which I’m passionate, but I’m a mess anymore and don’t really get excited about anything. The stuff I was passionate about as an adolescent keep being declared “appropriate hobbies,” but not careers. I can’t fully engage in those hobbies unless they’re part of my life’s work. Mess? YES.

I’m so grateful that I have a sweet kitty to cuddle with tonight.

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