I know I keep saying the same things over and over again, but still: I can’t believe how quickly this year is going, and how can Christmas be only one month away? Between work sucking up so much of my time during the week and this latest bout of quasi-narcolepsy ruling my weekends, I’ve had so little time to just be. Or think.
My sister has set a date for her wedding about six months from now. She requested that I be her maid of honor; I declined. She gave me an idealized list of reasons for her choice; the lack of truth made me so angry and frustrated, I couldn’t see straight. She has decided that I am thinking it over; I have decided that I will be guilted into this role. As usual, I’ll get to shoulder the awkwardness in the name of keeping up appearances while everyone else gets to paint the scene with denial.
I’m so ready to find my previous therapist and beg him to do phone sessions with me. My current therapist now seems to be undoing all of the strides I’d made in the year leading up to my move. When I told her about the potential maid of honor drama, she told me that being her maid of honor could be my wedding gift to her. What happened to the goal of acting with authenticity? My previous therapist would’ve been thrilled with my decision, so proud that I was finally standing up for myself and choosing the path that I wanted. If my choice happened to be respected, I could experience the effects of being true to myself, and everyone else would carry the awkwardness (this time truth-based, rather than built on lies). I wonder what that would feel like.
I’m still not sure what I’m doing for Christmas this year, besides heading back to Ohio. Current Therapist is all horrified that I’m considering just appearing unannounced at my parents’ house at Christmas. Has she not seen those Christmastime Folgers coffee commercials? Everyone is delighted when the long-absent adult child spontaneously turns up on their doorstep for Christmas morning and lousy coffee! Anyway, the lack of effort on the part of everyone else in the family makes me feel less than welcome to be there…so the jury is still out.