I’m currently in another slow descent toward emotional breakdown.
I had no idea how to lead into that in a softer, more gradual way, so there it is. I’ve reached a familiar level of deep unhappiness, and the slow descent is less of a trajectory toward a specific destination than it is bobbing around in choppy waters, succumbing to exhaustion every so often but mostly fighting my way to stay above the surface.
People who are unfamiliar with major depression and anxiety tend to get freaked out by this stuff, and actually, lots of my fellow depressives get freaked out, too. But I’ve been here before, and I have a pretty solid understanding of my limits, and I know that there are ways to maneuver yourself and suddenly realize that the ocean in which you thought you were lolling about in a detached panic actually has a drain plug on a long thin chain, and that chain been swaying in the waves right next to you all this time.
I need to carefully drain some of that turbulent water and leave my job. Soon.
Anyone who knew me in high school knew I had a bit of an obsessive streak about some things. Call it a coping mechanism or a positive channel for OCD energy, I don’t care. But don’t call it useless.
Fleetwood Mac has added a tour date in Portland! Which would be great if it were 35 years ago and the venue wasn’t an arena! But since some things can’t be changed, we’ll go ahead with Yay! Fleetwood Mac concert!
Tickets are going on sale this weekend, so naturally any radio station worth anything is upping the Fleetwood Mac airplay and hosting contests to win tickets to the concert. My favorite station, KINK 101.9fm, has been doing their morning “So you KINK you know…” trivia about the band. Because my morning commute doesn’t cause me to writhe in agony as it is, the trivia questions are sort of killing me. My embarrassing amount of Fleetwood Mac knowledge that has somehow clung to my brain these 15 years is begging to finally be put to good use. It’s not even that I want to go to the concert, it’s just such a self esteem boost (I think) to shout “TUSK!” or “John Mayall’s Bluesbreakers!” immediately following the question. I can’t say I was ever that student in engineering or history who was all, “Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! I know the answer!”…because I didn’t.
Anyway, we’ll see if I can continue to resist the urge for the rest of the week…