Did you know that when you have a dissociative disorder, trying to be more aware of your dissociative episodes and triggers will make you feel like you’re losing your mind? (Well, more so than usual.)
I had one of my least favorite kinds of therapy sessions this afternoon: one where my head feels packed with cotton and I can’t seem to speak. There were so many things we could’ve talked about, and so many things that had popped into my head since we’d last met, but I couldn’t remember any of them, and I was a tense ball of…tension. Aargh. New Therapist assured me that this isn’t all that unusual for dissociaters only on their tenth (!) visit. She then proceeded to tell me about the hot and humid Big Ten football game and state fair she went to over the weekend back in the Midwest plains, which made me miss Ohio a little bit. Then she told me about the thunderstorms that followed them as they drove one night – we’ve expressed mutual appreciation of Midwest thunderstorms and how much we miss them – and even though we had a fair amount of thunder and lightning in Portland the other night (finally), I found myself missing real thunderstorms so much. Oh, the jealousy! With all the trips I’ve had to take to the Midwest in the past year, I’ve missed out on a beautiful thunder and lightning show every time. Next week I’m back in Michigan. Can I place a special order for nighttime thunderstorms just this once? Please? Sigh.
Anyway, I don’t see New Therapist for another month, because like earlier this summer, we can’t seem to get our travel plans to overlap. And I’m not supposed to do any “homework” in the meantime, which means four agonizing weeks of dissociating like a champ and feeling miserable. (Maybe it won’t be that bad.) (But if it’s anything like this past month…it could be bad.) (Gah.)